


Cluedo

by geocentrist



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Cluedo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 04:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/605822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geocentrist/pseuds/geocentrist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is bad at Cluedo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cluedo

JOHN  
Professor Plum, in the lounge, with the revolver.

SHERLOCK  
Wrong.

JOHN  
What do you mean, wrong? Have you got a—

SHERLOCK  
I mean that scenario is impossible.

JOHN  
Why?

SHERLOCK  
Oh, you can’t be—The lounge is right next to the dining room, where the guests were at the time of the murder, sometime between four and eleven last night.

JOHN  
How do you—

SHERLOCK  
It says on the box. Now, why would our professor choose to kill Mr. X in the lounge, the most public and therefore most vulnerable room in the house? The revolver’s got no silencer on it, so unless he was on the other side of the house, or in conspiracy with a number of the guests, which would be odd as they seem not to know one another, the revolver is an unlikely weapon in the first place, and certainly in the lounge.

JOHN  
Sherlock—

SHERLOCK  
Furthermore, that’s not just a revolver, that’s a Dreyse M1907 semi-automatic.

JOHN  
Sherlock!

SHERLOCK  
The Dreyse M1907 was used by Austrian troops during the First World War and by Wermacht officers in the second. This is a military weapon, John, and not only that, it’s a German one. The likelihood of our Professor Plum’s owning a German military weapon, never mind knowing how to use it, is extremely low, as could be said for all of our very Angloid guests with the possible exception of the rather sinister Mr. Green.

JOHN  
Finished?

SHERLOCK  
Yes. 

JOHN  
I knew this was a bad idea.

SHERLOCK  
Problem?

JOHN  
Look, have you got the cards or haven’t you?

SHERLOCK  
Of course I have.

JOHN  
Which one?

SHERLOCK  
All of them.

JOHN  
No, you’re—you’re only supposed to tell me one.

SHERLOCK  
Why?

JOHN  
Because otherwise the game goes too quickly.

SHERLOCK  
So? (beat)

JOHN  
Is it really a . . .

SHERLOCK  
A Dreyse M1907?

JOHN  
Yeah.

 

SHERLOCK  
Of course it is. Very distinctive elevation.

JOHN  
That’s amazing.

SHERLOCK  
Not really. I can’t say I’m impressed with the originality of that particular creative decision.

JOHN  
No, I mean that you can tell that.

SHERLOCK  
Oh. (beat)

JOHN  
Do you have any guesses, then?

SHERLOCK  
Seven, at the moment. God, I need a fag. 

JOHN  
Pick one.

SHERLOCK  
John.

JOHN  
Absolutely not.

SHERLOCK  
I’ll play by the rules.

JOHN  
No, you won’t.

SHERLOCK  
Please, John.

JOHN  
Guesses?

SHERLOCK  
(sighs) Mr. Green, the spanner, the library.

JOHN  
We’ve already eliminated the library, Sherlock

SHERLOCK  
You’ve already eliminated the library. I (moves piece) have not been so hasty.

JOHN  
That’s not how it works.

SHERLOCK  
No, you’re right, this isn’t how it works. How is works is that I get to play this game correctly while my flat mate goes out to buy me some fags.

JOHN  
I have the spanner, anyway.

SHERLOCK  
This is even more tedious than the rats.

JOHN  
What was that about, by the way?

SHERLOCK  
I was trying to determine what they were eating.

JOHN  
Yeah, well, you didn’t have to dissect them. You could have just looked at what food was missing.

SHERLOCK  
No, they’re too clever for that. They’ve been stealing food and not eating it just to throw us off the scent.

JOHN  
They’re rats, Sherlock!

SHERLOCK  
I know that they are rats, John!  
(gets up, crosses to window, picks up violin and begins to play harsh, unmelodic tune.)

JOHN  
(shouting over violin) Mrs. Peacock, with the dagger, in the ballroom!

SHERLOCK  
(singing along with violin) Wrong-wrong-wrong-wrong-wrong . . .

JOHN  
How do you know?

SHERLOCK  
(puts down violin) It’s Mr. X.

JOHN  
No, Sherlock, he’s the victim. He can’t actually be the—

SHERLOCK  
Yes, he can. Don’t be an idiot, John.

JOHN  
I’m being an idiot?

SHERLOCK  
I suppose you’re going to be offended now.

JOHN  
Why would I be offended? I’ve just spent the last fortnight—

SHERLOCK  
—twelve days—

JOHN  
—trying to stop you bashing anybody’s brains in with a bloody harpoon and that makes me idiotic. You’d be dead if it wasn’t for me, Miss Scarlet, so why don’t you just shut up and play the fucking game. (beat)

SHERLOCK  
Miss Scarlet is a strategically advantageous choice.

JOHN  
Right.

SHERLOCK  
I was never going to take that pill.

JOHN  
Yes, you were.

SHERLOCK  
Anyway, it was none of your business.

JOHN  
None of my—

SHERLOCK  
No one asked you to save me.

SHERLOCK  
That’s true. But I bloody well did.  
(He exits. SHERLOCK takes up violin again and plays.)


End file.
